Speaking out
by crimeson-plasma
Summary: He had always wanted to speak out to her and say how he felt the way she did. Normally, without his probably-weird voice. Not that he had found the courage yet though, or understand exactly what was going on between them anyways.


Nicolas didn't exactly know why he had ended up with her. She wasn't particularly beautiful or extraordinary, Alex, that was. She wasn't exactly ugly, but he _had_ seen a lot of extraordinary women throughout his life. Alex was certainly attractive physically, but that had never truly been something which mattered _that_ much to him. In fact, it practically didn't at all. Hell, he didn't quite understand yet mentally everything that had led to her living with them yet.

And still they were lying together in bed, naked.

Together, naked. And it wasn't even the first time it had happened. The first time had taken place months ago. This was just strange now. But neither he nor Alex put an end to it. In fact, it was undeniable that there was some sort of attraction between them, some feeling, _something_. That much was clear by the way she mouthed his name every so often... the way she acted towards him… the way she now slept with him every night, sex or not. Love was hard to deny at this point from her end. It was hard to ignore. Him, on the other hand…

He sighed and pulled closer to her, burying his face into her neck, and sighing softly after breathing deeply. Yes, it was probably hard to deny at this point for him too. Or well, more than 'probably'. He couldn't exactly remember feeling like this before.

Yet that was exactly the problem. In fact, it was _the_ problem.

He had no problem with sex or being in a sort of relationship; with his feelings or Alex. No, his problem was in fact with how _he_ was.

Ever since he could remember he had been deaf. He couldn't hear sounds, or hear anything in fact. Not gunshots, not songs, not music, not words. Nothing, he could hear nothing. And whilst it didn't usually particularly bother him, that also meant he couldn't hear words whispered to him, or the way Alex said his name. Sure, he could read her lips to _see_ she was saying it. He certainly knew she did. But he would never hear the way she said it.

That much was obvious, but it wasn't the core of the problem.

The core of the problem was that his deafness had typically translated to him not talking at all, with him having a probably strange voice. Uneven and unpleasant, basically. Or so he imagined. Sure, he _could_ speak, but he didn't like to. Not unless really necessary. His words would never match those spoken by Alex. Never would match the words of love she mouthed to him, or the uttering of his name.

The uttering of his name! He was never bothered by not being able to hear, and yet, how he longed to be able to _listen_ for this once. Just this once. To be 'normal' even if just for a second, to be able to hear her voice and then match her words with equal kindness. With an equal feeling.

Signing did the job, but it was different. Alex would disagree with this, even if she wouldn't say her thoughts, but he knew she would disagree. But it was still all he could think about. He wanted to be able to _say_ that he loved her. Even if just once. Just this first time. Even if it would be the last too. There was some sort of pride lurking in his insides about it.

He felt Alex turn to face him, skin still brushing against skin. There it was again, she was going to say it again, wasn't she? Even if he couldn't reply, not really.

Nicolas frowned for a second, and then grinned, deciding on a course of action. Perhaps the voice itself didn't matter, not in the way the action itself did. Perhaps, just perhaps, if he just _said_ it, it would mean everything. Ugly voice aside.

He lifted a finger, and placed it over her mouth. It wasn't really sign language, but she'd understand. A petition for silence, even if it wasn't truly needed for him. Everything was always silent after all. He opened his mouth with the grin still there, ready to speak.

"I love you"

Her eyes widened, and her lips turned into a soft smile. A _gentle_ smile. He kept smiling in return, perhaps a bit more softly, feeling weakness growing inside of him for admitting to such feelings.

She pulled him closer, and then signed him back the very same words. _Signed_.

Why he had ended up with her? Perhaps the why didn't matter. Perhaps the reasons for these feelings didn't matter. Perhaps his deafness and inability to speak normally didn't matter. Perhaps, just perhaps, the only thing that mattered was the moment they were in now.

He pulled close to her, burying his face into her neck again.


End file.
